Fightstarter Karaoke

People ask me why I still seek a career in law enforcement, despite unceremoniously being tossed out on my ass two years ago.

I was faced with the same question when I was trying to get into law enforcement in the first place, when I was fluffy (FATTYCAKES!) and I struggled with something so simple as scaling a 6-foot solid wall. I distinctly remember being in an aunt's kitchen not too long after I graduated from college, covered in bruises from one of my many failed attempts at a physical agility test. Her son Sam, my cousin, graduated the same day as I, same school, same major.

(Sidenote: At graduation, they had us form two lines and come up on either side of the stage to receive out diplomas. We were to give our card to the announcer and then walk across the stage. We did not plan this - we didn't know where the other was sitting - my name was announced, I walked across the stage, and from the other side, I heard the other announced call Sam's name directly after mine. It was pretty cool.)

Sam was apparently going through the same struggles, but because of injury, not any type of shortcoming. As I sat with my aunt telling her my woeful tales of bruising and walls, she leaned across the table and asked me, why do I kept doing it? Maybe something so difficult is best left alone, if all I seemed to be getting out of it was an impressive set of bruises and scars. While I appreciated her sympathy, she was essentially telling me to quit.

Some people are satisfied with just...being. They don't aspire to be great, they are content with mediocrity. And that's totally fine. But I've never been one of those people. I'm not happy with the status quo.

During my brief stint in the business world, my old boss once told me I had no head for business. And at first, I was highly insulted. How dare he imply that I'm actually not good at something! I'm good at ALL THE THINGS!

(Except swimming, being quiet, sitting still, being politically correct, video games, shopping, typing, putting on makeup, painting my nails, plucking my eyebrows, rollerblading, skateboarding, drawing, math, science, anything technological, remembering things, driving, washing lettuce, staying awake past 11 p.m., paying attention, watching a tv show for more than 3 episodes, talking, most activities requiring coordination...

But I digress.)

Now however, I choose to take it as a compliment. In truth, I have no interest in seeking advancement in any type of corporate setting. I am driven by a desire to be an instrument in doing something for others. I keep trying, I deal with the scars and bruises because the only contribution I made to law enforcement is a few months as a drone.

That's not enough.

And yes, I know, you have to start at the bottom and work your way up to the top. I get it. But most people start from the bottom and have no idea how to work their way up. A lot of people (myself included) use the phrase, "get your foot in the door". Which is a good idea...short term. What happens after the foot (and hopefully, the rest of you) is in the door? Do you stare forlornly up at the top of the pyramid and wonder how the hell to get there? Do you putter around, hoping you'll get noticed and get ahead that way? Or, once inside, do you take out the tools you came in with, and get to work?

I refuse to allow a few fights and some reports to be my only legacy as a public servant. I have a hard time telling people, "I am a former sheriff's deputy" because I only did so much. Does a year and a half as a jail deputy really count, in the long run? What did I really accomplish? I want my name to be synonymous with...something. Something more than a misspelled name on a Starbucks cup.

So, going back to my aunt's question: why do something that is causing you so much pain, so much suffering? Wouldn't it be easier to just give up?

In the words of the Dropkick Murphys.

You make the most of the hand you're dealt because a quitter never wins.

Deck the Halls.

I LOVE Christmas music. For those of you naysayers who complain about hearing it everywhere, I have to say that that's one of my favorite things about the holidays. In truth, my college roommate and I used to start listening to it as early as September while we'd decorate our dorm/apartment for fall. In fact, she sent me a text the other day telling me she was decorating for fall while listening to Christmas music and no one else seemed to understand such bizarre behavior.

This past Monday I turned on the radio in my car and was thrilled to realize one of the local stations finally started playing nothing but holiday-themed music. YAY! Bring on Rudolph! Here comes Santa Claus! CHARLIE BROWN!!

But of course, there are those that occasionally come on that make my ears bleed. Worry not, the list is relatively short. But here it is, for your reading pleasure!

5. "Wonderful Christmastime" – Paul McCartney

Before you send the lynch mob after me, I LOVE THE BEATLES. “Something” is one of my favorite songs, I’ve considered the possibility of someday getting something Beatles-related tattooed on my body somewhere and as I write this particular paragraph, I’m listening to my ITunes on shuffle and “The Long and Winding Road” came on.

That being said, I have to be honest and say this is song SUCKS. It hurts me to say this. I feel like Paul, knowing full well that he is adored and has legions of fans, decided to experiment and write a truly crappy song to see if his followers would bite. As much as I love me the Fab Four, I can’t get behind the shitty synthesizers. And I’m sorry Paul, “ding dong ding dong ding dong ding dong” does not constitute a credible song lyric. But I'll give you a pass and choose to believe that this song came as a result of some low-quality psychotropics.

4. "Do They Know Its Christmas" - BandAid

I applaud Bono’s charity efforts. I really do. But I don’t get how certain groups (cough-coughPETA cough-cough) seem to think the best way to get to people is to make you feel like an asshole for having a better lot in life. And when the original songwriter has gone on record saying it's a shitty song, that's when you KNOW it sucks. And if that doesn't convince you, check out the original album art:

"Who invited those shirtless dudes? Didn't they see the invitation said 'black-tie only'?"

With such eye-rolling lines as “Tonight thank God it’s them, instead of you”, and “There won’t be snow in Africa this Christmas” I really do have to ask who came up with this trend of writing Christmas songs that make you feel bad. And on that note...

3. "Christmas Shoes" - Newsong

My mom and I disagree every year on this one. She loves this song, and I hate it. For those of you not familiar with it (lucky you) I’ll give you a quick rundown: Narrator is doing some last minute shopping. Narrator is not feeling Christmas-y (what a douche). Narrator notices dirty kid in line in front of him buying shoes (taking pains to point out that not only is he dirty, but he is ‘dirty from head to toe’. Making him an even bigger douche).

Also, to me, somehow the 'dirty kid' is Pigpen.

Dirty kid is too poor to buy said shoes for his dying mom (who is dying on CHRISTMAS EVE. Are you suicidal yet?). Narrator plunks down a few bucks so mom can enjoy shoes for a couple of hours before she snuffs it. Narrator learns the true meaning of Christmas is not to spend time with your loved ones because life is so short, but that you must buy them as much useless shit as possible, like cheap shoes, right up until they die. Because that’s what’s important. Merry Christmas.

2. "Dear Mr. Jesus (Please Don’t Let Them Hurt Your Children)" - Powersource

(Note: Before you denounce me as a terrible human being, I just want to point out that I’m not making fun of child abuse. Just this song and the sanctimonious dick who wrote it.)

I first heard this song during the holiday season a few years ago, and it still confuses me. Not only is there no mention of Christmas anywhere in the lyrics, but every single line makes you hate yourself as a human being.

Dear Mr. Jesus, I just had to write to you

Something really scared me, when I saw it on the news

A story 'bout a little girl beaten black and blue

Jesus, thought I'd take this right to you

Dear Mr. Jesus, I don't understand

Why they took her mom and dad away

I know that they don't mean to hit with wild and angry hands

Tell them just how big they are I pray

Please don't let them hurt your children

We need love and shelter from the storm

Please don't let them hurt your children

Won't you keep us safe and warm

Dear Mr. Jesus, they say that she may die

Oh I hope the doctors stop the pain

I know that you could save her and take her up to the sky

So she would never have to hurt again

Please don't let them hurt your children..

Dear Mr. Jesus, please tell me what to do

And please don't tell my daddy

But my mommy hits me, too.

Nothing says ‘Merry Christmas’ like a 6-year old singing about how mommy hits her.

1. ANYTHING BY MANNHEIM STEAMROLLER.

This one-man band/atrocity came into existence in the 1980’s, and Chip Davis still hasn’t realized that no one gives a shit about synthesizer heavy music anymore. ALL of MS’ music sounds like someone drank too much eggnog, busted out their Casio SA-76 and then tried to play a crappy rendition of “Deck The Halls”. In the dark. Oh, and that person is deaf. If Christmas were a video game, the likes of Eartha Kitt and Bing Crosby would be Xbox (or Playstation. Or Wii. You get it), and Mannheim Steamroller would be Atari, or some other old-ass console whose video games all look like pixilated diarrhea.

Honorable mentions:

"Merry Christmas with Love" by Clay Aiken.

It’s Clay Aiken. Enough said.

"Santa Baby" by Madonna

Every time I hear Madonna’s whiny, pouty rendition of this Eartha Kitt classic, it makes me want to run over her with that ’54 convertible. Besides, someone like Madonna can’t get away with singing lines such as, “think of all the fellas that I haven’t kissed”.

"Santa Claus is Coming to Town" by Bruce Springsteen

The Boss blurting out “SANNA CLOTHES IS KAMANA TAN” does not get me in the Christmas spirit. Nor does the 10-minute intro where he seems to be unsuccessfully trying to get the audience all riled up for the band's next number.

That does it for me, childrens. And to all a good night.

It Always Comes Back to Poo.

I'm lazy.

I have always known this. After my sister's wedding, I was in danger of falling face first into the fire pit because I was so tired. Whenever I hang out with friends, there is the inevitable part where my sister sidles up to me and whispers, "Dude, why don't you head home/go lay down?" because, as an astute observer, she has been watching my eyes roll back into my head for half an hour. The last straw (to me, anyway) that told me my exhaustion had reached massive proportions was last Saturday, where I realized I was nodding off before midnight in a noisy, crowded bar in West Hollywood.

In an effort (as little effort as possible) to bring my energy level up just a teensy bit, I have decided to give this whole 'master cleanse' thingamajig a shot. I can't eat anything for 10 days, have to drink salt water, and never stray far away from a bathroom. What could go wrong?

I can think of a few snafoos already...

Day 1


I stopped by Sprouts on my way home last night and bought some lemons and maple syrup. Which apparently costs 10 freakin dollars when you buy the real thing. Fuck. Makes me want waffles.

I have the recipe stuck to my refrigerator, apparently I can make the batch for the whole day and just take it to work with me. The part that I feel is going to majorly suck however, is the salt water flush.

Yup. It's exactly what it sounds like.

You know that rhyme, 'water, water everywhere, but not a drop to drink' ? Well, the reason you can't drink salt water is because your body doesn't absorb it, therefore you don't get any hydration (who says my blog isn't educational?). So basically the purpose of the salt water flush is to go in as salt water, and then come back out, bringing any friends it might have met along the journey.

And BIG DEAD JESUS it tastes gross.

It took me three tries to get it all down, and I only gagged once. Yay for me!

Around 9:00 am I took my first taste of the lemonade-syrup-cayenne pepper concoction. Wasn't too bad, the only thing is it's weird to DRINK something spicy as opposed to eating it.

Seeing as its only day 1, there's not much else to report. But according to everything I have read, this process promises lots of other adventures like bad breath, oily skin, frequent potty trips, and bad acne. YAY!