Want Nap.

Day 2

Nothing much to report...except I cheated a little bit and had a piece of cheese last night. And apparently you are absolutely NOT supposed to have dairy. Meh. Rules are meant to be broken!

All I can say now is that I am extremely tired. Not tired like, I-haven't-had-any-food-so-I'm-death-camp-weak tired, just sleepy. Like, I could really use a nap all the time. Isn't that kind of counterproductive to my eventual goal?? :/

It Always Comes Back to Poo.

I'm lazy.

I have always known this. After my sister's wedding, I was in danger of falling face first into the fire pit because I was so tired. Whenever I hang out with friends, there is the inevitable part where my sister sidles up to me and whispers, "Dude, why don't you head home/go lay down?" because, as an astute observer, she has been watching my eyes roll back into my head for half an hour. The last straw (to me, anyway) that told me my exhaustion had reached massive proportions was last Saturday, where I realized I was nodding off before midnight in a noisy, crowded bar in West Hollywood.

In an effort (as little effort as possible) to bring my energy level up just a teensy bit, I have decided to give this whole 'master cleanse' thingamajig a shot. I can't eat anything for 10 days, have to drink salt water, and never stray far away from a bathroom. What could go wrong?

I can think of a few snafoos already...

Day 1


I stopped by Sprouts on my way home last night and bought some lemons and maple syrup. Which apparently costs 10 freakin dollars when you buy the real thing. Fuck. Makes me want waffles.

I have the recipe stuck to my refrigerator, apparently I can make the batch for the whole day and just take it to work with me. The part that I feel is going to majorly suck however, is the salt water flush.

Yup. It's exactly what it sounds like.

You know that rhyme, 'water, water everywhere, but not a drop to drink' ? Well, the reason you can't drink salt water is because your body doesn't absorb it, therefore you don't get any hydration (who says my blog isn't educational?). So basically the purpose of the salt water flush is to go in as salt water, and then come back out, bringing any friends it might have met along the journey.

And BIG DEAD JESUS it tastes gross.

It took me three tries to get it all down, and I only gagged once. Yay for me!

Around 9:00 am I took my first taste of the lemonade-syrup-cayenne pepper concoction. Wasn't too bad, the only thing is it's weird to DRINK something spicy as opposed to eating it.

Seeing as its only day 1, there's not much else to report. But according to everything I have read, this process promises lots of other adventures like bad breath, oily skin, frequent potty trips, and bad acne. YAY!

By The Balls.

So I know I promised my readers (all two of them) a super-smashing blog on my online dating adventures, but as usual, general laziness plus other things thwarted my efforts yet again. So I’ll come back to it later. Plus every day I check my profile finds new shit to write so I think I might just archive it all until I finally decide to get rid of the profile.

I’ve started playing dodgeball! Last season my brother in law Steve joined a league, and I stupidly declined the invite to join. I went to a game and it just looked so durned fun I decided to join next season. Plus as Lucy said, it would make an excellent outlet for my shiny, happy fits of rage.

Three weeks ago, I was all ready for my first game. I was convinced of my athletic prowess and had visions of the great catches and throws I would make. I’d be invincible. I’d be untouchable and fast as lightning.

Awesome.

Ten seconds into my first game and it became obvious that this would not be the case. I spent 90% of my time doing a spastic, retardo-dance in an effort to avoid getting hit at all costs. I made no fabulous catches, no amazing throws. I was however, able to dodge like nobody’s business. So much that, in a few games, I found myself the last (wo)man standing. And let me tell you, an empty dodgeball court can be a lonely place.

So sad.

More often than not, the other team would make quick work of pelting me with dodgeballs fairly quickly. Other times, I actually made it a decent length before getting hit.

I had to sit out the second week due to a death in the family. Last week, I was back in action and ready to dodge like never before!

Or so I thought.

The very first game I was the first one tagged out. As the games ensued, I was able to get a bit of my dodge-mojo back and was a harder target. There we were, fighting the good fight, knocking over the black lady because she was heavy and an easy target, hitting the bald guy because he was obviously on steroids and hard as nuts to hit. This team had one really tall guy too, with long monkey-arms. Lurch was able to get his hands on a ball and sent it full tilt at me. Now, on a person of normal height, this would have been a direct hit to center mass. Guess where I got nailed.

Sweet.

My only regret? No one recorded it.