OH SNAP. Guess who's back from the dead, y'all?
So, operating on the totally false assumption that I would have more time after graduation, I have left all of you hanging, biting your fingernails and anxiously awaiting my return. Worry no more, my dear children.
Until, you know, my next hiatus. Let's be frank. I'm as unreliable as a babydaddy on Maury Povich.
So in Taco's latest adventures, I find myself working...
...can't...even...
...admit...
for a criminal defense attorney.
*hangs head in shame*
I know, I know. I'm on the dark side. Mea culpa, mea culpa!
As of late, I've been working as an 8-5'er while the other receptionist took some time off to expel the contents of her uterus, and then spend some time with, you know, the former uteroccupant.
Hey look, I just made a word.
To be honest though, I do enjoy going to work. The freak show that is my boss' clients provides just enough entertainment to get me through the day. Even better, my boss not only tolerates my smart-ass comments, he seems to enjoy them.
(Scene: Boss-man [henceforth known as Lionel Hutz] reading over letters. He dictates them into a tape recorder and I transcribe them.)
Me: Just so you know, I edited the part where you talked about pinging the iPod.
Lionel: Good. I don't know what the fuck pinging is.
Me: I KNOW. I changed it so it looks like you do.
Lionel: Ok. *signs letter, walks away*
Me: I made you sound smart. YOU SHOULD THANK ME, DUDE.
Lionel: *walking away*
Me: YOU'RE WELCOME.
-end scene-
(Scene 2: Lionel and I discuss a case in which the client is a known gang member, on top of his charges.)
Lionel: He's totally innocent. He hears voices and stuff.
Me: Or so he says. He's never seen a doctor to date.
Lionel: They tell him to do bad things. He was just pegged by the po-po for being Hispanic.
Me: Prove that this guy is telling the truth and I will show up wearing my underwear outside of my pants.
Lionel: HE IS TOTALLY INNOCENT. NOT GUILTY OF ALL CHARGES.
-end scene-
(Scene 3: Lionel and I are checking out of a jail after visiting an inmate.)
Front Deputy: Wow. you guys look so serious. Was the visit that bad?
Me: No way. I LOVE FIELD TRIPS. I LOVE JAILS. This is like a walk down memory lane for me.
Deputy: *awkward pause*
Lionel: She means as a former deputy. Not as an inmate.
-end scene-
Not to mention the random calls I get from people who look us up and need legal services.
"Hi, I need a lawyer. I wanna sue Subway."
"I was shot by an ex-con while visiting my friend at the trailer park. Can I sue the trailer park? And the county for releasing the dude?"
"I tried to commit suicide four years ago. I called 911 on myself and then waved a plastic toy gun at responding officers. They shot me five times, but I lived. Can I sue for pain and suffering?"
"I need to talk to an immigration lawyer about bringing my new girlfriend over from the Philippines. I went to visit her one already. Man, I love this girl. Why yes, I am a fifty-year old divorced man. Why do you ask?"
I may have sold my soul to the devil. But it's a hilarious way to earn a paycheck.
