The intense heat saps my energy and leaves me with little more ability than to lie on the floor and drool. So I cheated and googled one of those questionnaire things. Enjoy!
1. What is your best friend's Mom's name? Linda. Although a couple of weeks ago she got promoted to Grandma. She’s excited about that.
2. Where is the weirdest place you have a mole? On my left foot, between two of my toes. And that’s all I’m going to tell you because that gets into the topic of my feet and feetsies are icky.
My best friend Anne has one on her back, and one time
in college she asked me to rub her shoulders. I have this weird habit of
picking lint off of things, and I felt a teeny lump on her back so I thought,
“golly gee, that is a piece of lint. I should be a good friend and remove it
for her”. I then pulled on it, VERY hard (HULK SMASH) through her shirt, but it
didn’t come off. I am smart.
3. Who was the hottest teacher you ever had? I’ve never had one...although there was one substitute named Mr. Monterroso who was only a few years older than us, and in my opinion this was the only reason girls lusted after his partybits. I couldn’t think of him that way cause he lived around the corner from me. I told a girl this fact once and she was all, “OHMAHGAWD you’re so lucky!” Which I thought was weird because I didn’t see anything lucky about getting to see him take out his trashcans on Tuesdays. My dog pees on his grass sometimes. I have nothing against the guy, that’s just where Baloo likes to pee and I’ve always believed in canine urinal liberty.
3. Who was the hottest teacher you ever had? I’ve never had one...although there was one substitute named Mr. Monterroso who was only a few years older than us, and in my opinion this was the only reason girls lusted after his partybits. I couldn’t think of him that way cause he lived around the corner from me. I told a girl this fact once and she was all, “OHMAHGAWD you’re so lucky!” Which I thought was weird because I didn’t see anything lucky about getting to see him take out his trashcans on Tuesdays. My dog pees on his grass sometimes. I have nothing against the guy, that’s just where Baloo likes to pee and I’ve always believed in canine urinal liberty.
4. Have you
ever made out in a movie theater? Nope. But I’ve fallen asleep, read and snuck in
everything from Burger King to Coldstone to Doritos.
5. What body part do you wash first? My hair. And I do it all in slow motion too with lots of moans and hair tossing like in the Herbal Essences commercial. Even though I use Dove.
6. Do you hover over the toilet in public bathrooms? I use like 12 toilet seat covers. If there are none I use toilet paper. Although there have been a few restrooms where not even a toilet seat cover made of lead would have protected me from the germies.
7. What's the strangest talent you have? I’m really good at convincing people that this blog is entertaining and/or funny.
8. Do you have an innie or an outtie? Innie, and it is pierced. I imagine that if I were ever to procreate, I would have to remove it. Until then, whenever I take it out it looks like I have 3 belly buttons. It freaks people out.
5. What body part do you wash first? My hair. And I do it all in slow motion too with lots of moans and hair tossing like in the Herbal Essences commercial. Even though I use Dove.
6. Do you hover over the toilet in public bathrooms? I use like 12 toilet seat covers. If there are none I use toilet paper. Although there have been a few restrooms where not even a toilet seat cover made of lead would have protected me from the germies.
7. What's the strangest talent you have? I’m really good at convincing people that this blog is entertaining and/or funny.
8. Do you have an innie or an outtie? Innie, and it is pierced. I imagine that if I were ever to procreate, I would have to remove it. Until then, whenever I take it out it looks like I have 3 belly buttons. It freaks people out.
When I was a kid, one of my cousins tried to tell me
that babies came out of your belly button. I was like, “No, stupid. They come out of your BUTT.
Duh.” I thought I was a freakin genius. Belly button? Ridiculous.
9. What's your favorite flavored Pringles? I don’t eat Pringles, actually. I like Doritos. I actually got a bag of Doritos today that were called, Doritos: Jacked. While I ate them I felt all extreme and shit. RADICAL. I almost couldn’t handle the intensity.
10. Have you ever been tied up? When I was a freshman in high school, I had waist-length hair, and my friends wanted to see if it was long enough to tie around a basketball post. So they did. And then they left me there.
11. What was the last thing you ever got grounded for? I did shit all the time...I’m probably still grounded for something I did ten years ago and don’t even know it.
12. Do you parallel park or drive around the block? I am the shittiest driver ever. I’m like, one step above Asian driver status. But I can parallel park LIKE A BOSS.
13. Have you ever had two dates in one night? Are you kidding? I have enough trouble securing one.
14. How many times have you been cussed out? I worked in a jail. Enough said. One time this lady who was missing her front teeth and had a bowl haircut kept calling me white trash and a bad mother. I have no kids and I’m not white.
15. Which shoe do you put on first? I don’t know, and if I try it now it will be forced and I will not have a true answer for you. And I strive for honesty in this blog. You’re welcome. I will say that I always take the right shoe off first, and I know this because it’s easiest to do that one because I nudge it off with the left. And then the left shoe is harder to take off because my right shoe is already off. This was a really long explanation, and I technically didn’t even answer the question.
17. Have you ever been to a gay bar? I went to my very first gay bar when I was 18. There was this guy there who kept taking up the entire dance floor to do what I called techno-interpretive dance. He was dressed like he stepped out of the eighties, in tight sweatpants and a tucked-in t-shirt. He also had a Freddy Mercury style mustache. Every now and then he’d throw his hands up in the air like he was doing a one-man wave.
18. Girls ? is that it? Girls...just wanna have fun.
19. Is there one thing all of your love interests have had in common? They all have restraining orders out against me. I just sent you an EAR. It worked for Van Gogh, guys.
9. What's your favorite flavored Pringles? I don’t eat Pringles, actually. I like Doritos. I actually got a bag of Doritos today that were called, Doritos: Jacked. While I ate them I felt all extreme and shit. RADICAL. I almost couldn’t handle the intensity.
10. Have you ever been tied up? When I was a freshman in high school, I had waist-length hair, and my friends wanted to see if it was long enough to tie around a basketball post. So they did. And then they left me there.
11. What was the last thing you ever got grounded for? I did shit all the time...I’m probably still grounded for something I did ten years ago and don’t even know it.
12. Do you parallel park or drive around the block? I am the shittiest driver ever. I’m like, one step above Asian driver status. But I can parallel park LIKE A BOSS.
13. Have you ever had two dates in one night? Are you kidding? I have enough trouble securing one.
14. How many times have you been cussed out? I worked in a jail. Enough said. One time this lady who was missing her front teeth and had a bowl haircut kept calling me white trash and a bad mother. I have no kids and I’m not white.
15. Which shoe do you put on first? I don’t know, and if I try it now it will be forced and I will not have a true answer for you. And I strive for honesty in this blog. You’re welcome. I will say that I always take the right shoe off first, and I know this because it’s easiest to do that one because I nudge it off with the left. And then the left shoe is harder to take off because my right shoe is already off. This was a really long explanation, and I technically didn’t even answer the question.
17. Have you ever been to a gay bar? I went to my very first gay bar when I was 18. There was this guy there who kept taking up the entire dance floor to do what I called techno-interpretive dance. He was dressed like he stepped out of the eighties, in tight sweatpants and a tucked-in t-shirt. He also had a Freddy Mercury style mustache. Every now and then he’d throw his hands up in the air like he was doing a one-man wave.
18. Girls ? is that it? Girls...just wanna have fun.
19. Is there one thing all of your love interests have had in common? They all have restraining orders out against me. I just sent you an EAR. It worked for Van Gogh, guys.
It didn’t? Oh, shit.
20. Did you French kiss before you were 16? No. But my first kiss was at 14, with this nerdy guy who I only dated because I hadn’t mastered the art of friend-zoning yet. It was really awkward because he put his hand on the back of my head so I couldn’t pull away, all I had time to do was press my lips together really tightly like the dude was trying to slip me poison. Then I went to Mr. McAdams 2nd period English and was like GAH WORST FIRST KISS EVER.
21. Have you ever been cow-tipping or snipe-hunting? Oddly enough, no. Considering that my dad has worked in the dairy industry for 40+ years, I certainly had the opportunity to do so, since I used to go to work with him when I was a kid. As for the snipe hunt, I was in a play for an acting class in high school, called “Once Upon a Playground”. The premise was that we all made fun of the new girl because she had a funny nose, but we all had something wrong with us. Anyway, we sent her on a snipe hunt. Also, I played the fat kid. I should note that I was not given any stuffing to make me appear fat.
22. Who is the last person you usually think about before you fall asleep? Not as much “someone” as “something” and that something is usually food.
23. Have you ever had a poem or a song written about you? No. But nerdy first-kiss guy once had some drama club initiates sing to me in my Lit class. They sang I Will Survive. He also once sent me a carnation gram with a note that said, “As this flower dies, so will you”. And sadly, that is the one and only time I have ever gotten flowers from a guy. WINNER WINNER CHICKEN DINNER.
24. If you had to choose to not ever wash your bed sheets again or not wash your bath towel ever again, which would you rather not wash? Would you rather scrape off your nipples, or chop off your hand? Exactly.
25. Have you ever found anything in your parents' bedroom that was questionable? Once, while snooping in my mom’s stuff (as usual) I found an already-taken pregnancy test. It was shaped like a square, not the long ones we see nowadays. Since in the commercials women always seemed to be holding them the same way, I assumed that there were some sort of sensors that picked up some sort of hormone from your fingertips to determine if the holder was pregnant or not. So I tried the same thing with this one and nothing happened. I assumed, as I always did, that I was correct and that the test was simply broken. This was also around the time I still thought that babies came out of your butt.
26. What was your childhood nickname? Every nickname I had was related to my being tiny. I was a skinny kid with a giant head. Although there is a famous singer from Spain named Paloma San Basilio, and people kept called me this so for the longest time I totally thought that my name was Paloma San Basilio Beatriz Garcia Oliveros. And I was like, “Dude, why did my parents give me such a long name? This shit’s hard to remember.” And my parents had to say, “No, stupid. That’s not your name. And put that pregnancy test back where you found it.”
27. When is the last time you played the air guitar? I have a REAL guitar, and I have been lousy about playing lately. Poor Klaus. He is neglected.
28. Have you ever peeked in the opposite sexes locker room? I walked into the boys’ locker room when I was in middle school. The teacher had picked a bunch of us to tidy up the locker rooms, or something like that. I just remember being in the boys’ locker room and feeling tres risqué. Also, it stank.
29. What's the weirdest thing you have done while driving? Changed my pants.
20. Did you French kiss before you were 16? No. But my first kiss was at 14, with this nerdy guy who I only dated because I hadn’t mastered the art of friend-zoning yet. It was really awkward because he put his hand on the back of my head so I couldn’t pull away, all I had time to do was press my lips together really tightly like the dude was trying to slip me poison. Then I went to Mr. McAdams 2nd period English and was like GAH WORST FIRST KISS EVER.
21. Have you ever been cow-tipping or snipe-hunting? Oddly enough, no. Considering that my dad has worked in the dairy industry for 40+ years, I certainly had the opportunity to do so, since I used to go to work with him when I was a kid. As for the snipe hunt, I was in a play for an acting class in high school, called “Once Upon a Playground”. The premise was that we all made fun of the new girl because she had a funny nose, but we all had something wrong with us. Anyway, we sent her on a snipe hunt. Also, I played the fat kid. I should note that I was not given any stuffing to make me appear fat.
22. Who is the last person you usually think about before you fall asleep? Not as much “someone” as “something” and that something is usually food.
23. Have you ever had a poem or a song written about you? No. But nerdy first-kiss guy once had some drama club initiates sing to me in my Lit class. They sang I Will Survive. He also once sent me a carnation gram with a note that said, “As this flower dies, so will you”. And sadly, that is the one and only time I have ever gotten flowers from a guy. WINNER WINNER CHICKEN DINNER.
24. If you had to choose to not ever wash your bed sheets again or not wash your bath towel ever again, which would you rather not wash? Would you rather scrape off your nipples, or chop off your hand? Exactly.
25. Have you ever found anything in your parents' bedroom that was questionable? Once, while snooping in my mom’s stuff (as usual) I found an already-taken pregnancy test. It was shaped like a square, not the long ones we see nowadays. Since in the commercials women always seemed to be holding them the same way, I assumed that there were some sort of sensors that picked up some sort of hormone from your fingertips to determine if the holder was pregnant or not. So I tried the same thing with this one and nothing happened. I assumed, as I always did, that I was correct and that the test was simply broken. This was also around the time I still thought that babies came out of your butt.
26. What was your childhood nickname? Every nickname I had was related to my being tiny. I was a skinny kid with a giant head. Although there is a famous singer from Spain named Paloma San Basilio, and people kept called me this so for the longest time I totally thought that my name was Paloma San Basilio Beatriz Garcia Oliveros. And I was like, “Dude, why did my parents give me such a long name? This shit’s hard to remember.” And my parents had to say, “No, stupid. That’s not your name. And put that pregnancy test back where you found it.”
27. When is the last time you played the air guitar? I have a REAL guitar, and I have been lousy about playing lately. Poor Klaus. He is neglected.
28. Have you ever peeked in the opposite sexes locker room? I walked into the boys’ locker room when I was in middle school. The teacher had picked a bunch of us to tidy up the locker rooms, or something like that. I just remember being in the boys’ locker room and feeling tres risqué. Also, it stank.
29. What's the weirdest thing you have done while driving? Changed my pants.
30. Have you ever bitten your toenails?
GROSS. No.
31. How do you eat your cookie? I don’t eat Oreos I eat COOL J COOKIES!!!
31. How do you eat your cookie? I don’t eat Oreos I eat COOL J COOKIES!!!
Name that song.
32. When working out at the gym, do you
wear a belt? Too much effort. I already go to the gym looking like a
transient.
33. Name something you do when you're alone that you wouldn't do in front of others. Change my underpants. Also, showering.
36. How many drinks does it take before you get drunk? When I was heavier I had a lot more fat stores to absorb all the alcohol, and I usually took about 6 drinks before I’d start to feel wobbly (unless it was something ridiculous, like an AMF). These days I’m lucky to make it through two glasses of wine. Tequila I can drink all day. Most of it.
37. Have you ever sniffed an animal's butt? If I ever tried that, Baloo would probably think I had lost my marbles.
38. How often do you clean out your ears? Every single gosh darn day. My ears produce an unnaturally high amount of buildup. When I was younger and less likely to clean my ears out, my mom would have to go in with a bobby pin and scoop all the gunk out. Yes, it sucked.
39. Do you scrunch or fold your toilet paper? I make paper airplanes.
40. About how many times a day do you pick a wedgie? Depends on the type of underpants I am wearing. If I am wearing them. (evil laugh). Just kidding. I always wear undies. Because, ew.
33. Name something you do when you're alone that you wouldn't do in front of others. Change my underpants. Also, showering.
36. How many drinks does it take before you get drunk? When I was heavier I had a lot more fat stores to absorb all the alcohol, and I usually took about 6 drinks before I’d start to feel wobbly (unless it was something ridiculous, like an AMF). These days I’m lucky to make it through two glasses of wine. Tequila I can drink all day. Most of it.
37. Have you ever sniffed an animal's butt? If I ever tried that, Baloo would probably think I had lost my marbles.
38. How often do you clean out your ears? Every single gosh darn day. My ears produce an unnaturally high amount of buildup. When I was younger and less likely to clean my ears out, my mom would have to go in with a bobby pin and scoop all the gunk out. Yes, it sucked.
39. Do you scrunch or fold your toilet paper? I make paper airplanes.
40. About how many times a day do you pick a wedgie? Depends on the type of underpants I am wearing. If I am wearing them. (evil laugh). Just kidding. I always wear undies. Because, ew.
41. Do you have any strange phobias?
Mice, rats, or any other type of vermin. Hamsters, gophers, voles, and POSSUMS.
Oh, God. POSSUMS ARE EVIL INCARNATE. I hate rodents and the sight of one will
cause me to jump on high furniture and shriek like a banshee.
42. Have you ever stuck a foreign object up your nose? I stuck a Fiat up there once and then I sneezed and JLo came flying out of my left nostril.
42. Have you ever stuck a foreign object up your nose? I stuck a Fiat up there once and then I sneezed and JLo came flying out of my left nostril.
43. What is the stupidest thing you've
ever done at a bar? I was at a winery in Temecula with some friends, and I
wasn’t drinking because we had already been to like, 5 wineries and I was now
swaying like I was onboard the Black Pearl. So the guys went to go drink while
I sat down outside, humming placidly to myself. When I came in, my brother in
law, knowing that I am quite suggestible when drunk, offered me eight dollars
to slap my friend Buckner in the face. I said no, and our other friend Wes
upped it to twenty bucks. I immediately turned to Buckner (who is 6’2”, by the
way) and walloped him hard across the face. I was wearing flip-flops so I still
have no idea how I did it. Steve swears I jumped, while I remember being at eye
level with Buckner. I got my twenty bucks, and Buckner has still not forgiven
me.
44. Have you ever been dared to do
something you totally regretted? No, but I was dared to do something
and I didn’t do it, and THAT I regret. I was staying at a friend’s house once
and I had a MAD crush on her older brother, and everybody knew about it. She
dared me to go downstairs and tell him I thought he was cute, or something like
that. I don’t regret not doing it because, OHMYGODWECOULD HAVEBEENSOHAPPY, but
because now I don’t give a shit. I stood at the foot of the stairs for probably
a half hour while my friend stood on the landing and chanted, “CHILI CHILI
CHILI!” (she was going to make me eat hot sauce if I didn’t) while he watched
us, totally perplexed, but too nice to say anything. My friend got so into
egging me on she flipped over the railing and fell down the stairs. Which was
HILARIOUS.
45. Have you ever called your love
interest by an ex's name? No.
46. Have you caught a guy/girl farting while on a date? No. Which is probably a good thing because I’d laugh so hard I’d pee myself. A match made in heaven, the flatulent guy and pee girl.
47. Have you ever played naked Twister? The only time I ever played Twister was with my sister and brothers, so no naked because HELLO AWKWARD. The game usually ended whenever Jose farted.
48. Have you ever been drunk at work? No, but I have been extremely, ass-draggingly sick, which is kind of the same thing in that your motor skills are nonexistent, but not as fun.
49. Have you ever found your date's/lover's brother or sister more attractive? No.
46. Have you caught a guy/girl farting while on a date? No. Which is probably a good thing because I’d laugh so hard I’d pee myself. A match made in heaven, the flatulent guy and pee girl.
47. Have you ever played naked Twister? The only time I ever played Twister was with my sister and brothers, so no naked because HELLO AWKWARD. The game usually ended whenever Jose farted.
48. Have you ever been drunk at work? No, but I have been extremely, ass-draggingly sick, which is kind of the same thing in that your motor skills are nonexistent, but not as fun.
49. Have you ever found your date's/lover's brother or sister more attractive? No.
50. Do you
want to bring sexy back? Ridiculous. That would imply that it was gone in the first
place.
