"You're BALD! THAT SUCKS! GROW YOUR HAIR AND HAVE A GLORIOUS MULLET!"
"Take these pills and grow your weenie to THE SIZE OF A DINOSAUR."
"Russian mustachioed singles wanna meet you! Comes free with Communism!"
"Facebook is gonna charge money now! OH NOES! But send us your banking info and the ghost of Ed McMahon will drop a ghostly turd on Mark Zuckerberg's head!"
And on and on.
A few months ago, my friend and former roommate was apparently robbed at gunpoint in London while there on vacation with the family. Problem is, she has never been to London. However, those of us on her email contact list received her sad, poorly spelled, story. Since I didn't ask first (because I am an inconsiderate asshole) I changed her name for this blog.
From: Slim Shady
To: Taco Jenkins
Subject: Sad Trip...Urgent Help Needed!
I'm so sorry to bother you,but we really need your help at the moment,my family and I came down here to London, UK for a short vacation,unfortunately we were mugged at the park of the hotel we staying ,everything we had on us was stolen including,cash,credit cards and cell phone....We need help to settle the bills and flying back home,the amount needed now is £1,850. We'll surely pay back as soon as we get back home. I am so confused right now and thank God i wasn't injured because I complied immediately.
Waiting to read from you so we can let you know how to get the money wired to us.
Thanks.
Slim
Shortly afterward, we all got a Facebook message (courtesy of Mark Turderberg!) from the real Slim Shady (HAHAHAHAHAHA SEE WHAT I DID THERE?) saying she had indeed been hacked and to delete the message. Naturally, I ignored her excellent advice and replied to the fake Slim.
From: Taco Jenkins
To: Slim Shady
Re: Sad Trip...Urgent Help Needed!
Oh my gosh! Are you ok? You weren't hurt were you?? I can only send you $800, but maybe that will help with the flights to return? Let me know ASAP what you need so you can come home!
P
I imagine some barefoot Somali kid is clapping with glee at this point, thinking he had hooked one of Slim's more hapless friends into sending money.
From: Slim Shady
To: Taco Jenkins
Re: Sad Trip...Urgent Help Needed!
Glad you replied back
I'm sorry for the late response, i would have mailed you back immediately but i'm having problem with the hotel internet were i lodged.....they are having a minor problem with their internet service, i have nothing left on me i would have gone to a library were i can access the internet.
Thank you very much for your kidness and support to help me out of this horrible situation... Any amount you can afford to spare will be much appriciated. You can have it wired to my name via Western Union i'll have to show my passport as ID to pick it up here and i promise to pay you back as soon as i get back home. Here's the info you need at western union location below
Receiver's Name: Slim Shady
State: London SW1X 8HW,
Country:United Kingdom
Please as soon as you are done help me write out the MTCN and the details you used in sending me the money. Thank you so much as I would be waiting to hear from you.
Thanks
Slim Shady
At this point, I let it sit for a few days. Partially because I didn't know what to reply back, also because I am busy sometimes doing things like teaching alligators long division and learning to apparate. I still have not managed either of those things. I figured Fake MP would give up. I was wrong.
From: Slim Shady
To: Taco Jenkins
Re: Sad Trip...Urgent Help Needed!
May i know what's going on??? Am full of panic right now and i need your urgent help to get out of this horrible situation.
Thanks
Slim Shady
I sent a quick note while I thought of a more substantial reply.
From: Taco Jenkins
To: Slim Shady
Re: Sad Trip...Urgent Help Needed!
I'm sorry...I just got out of work. I'll go to the Western Union here in town and send you the money within the hour.
I let a few hours go by, just so the barefoot Somali kid could fantasize about how many goats he would buy with his imminent riches. Alas, it was not to be.
From: Taco Jenkins
To: Slim Shady
Re: Sad Trip...Urgent Help Needed!
Sorry Slim, I know you've been through a really rough few days and you really need the cash. I went to the bank and I was going to get my savings out, but I figured I'd toss in an extra couple hundred from my new job. Since we used to be roommates and all, I know you're good for it. Anyway, I went to the Western Union so I could wire you the money, and I was just so distraught over your situation that I ran a stop sign and hit an elderly lady walking her schnauzer! I almost drove away and left her there, broken collarbone and all, because I know you're in such need. But I knew you'd be angry with me if I did that. So I got out and checked on the old lady and her dog, who was stuck under my front axle. I had to take the lady to the emergency room to be treated, and since she was so angry with me she made me take her schnauzer to the vet to have his legs reattached. While at the vet, the damn dog bit me, so while the dog was in surgery I had to go get a tetanus shot. When I got back to the vet's office, the doctor told me the dog died in surgery so I had to get a new one that looked like the old one in hopes that the old lady wouldn't notice.
Unfortunately, all of this cost me the $800 I was going to send, but don't worry - I'm going to have my mom wire me some money tomorrow so I can send it to you. When you come back, do you think you can add a little extra? It would help get the dog blood out of my car. We've been friends for so long, I know you're an honest person!
You're the best.
P
Lucky for me, after spinning my own sad story, Slim was quite understanding to my eventful afternoon.
From: Slim Shady
To: Taco Jenkins
Re: Sad Trip...Urgent Help Needed!
To: Taco Jenkins
Re: Sad Trip...Urgent Help Needed!
Thank you very much for your kindness and support to help me out of this horrible situation... Kindly get back to me with the full transfer details and the MTCN# as soon as you have the money wire, i definitely promise to refund it back as soon as i get back home.. I owe you a lot.
Hope to read back from you as soon as you have the money wired.
Thanks
Slim
Just to show how very very trusting (read: gullible) I was, I offered to make things a bit easier for poor, destitute Slim Shady.
From: Taco Jenkins
To: Slim Shady
Re: Sad Trip...Urgent Help Needed!
Would you rather I just gave you my credit card info instead? That may be faster.
Apparently this was not the answer she was looking for. Maybe you can't buy goats on credit.
From: Slim Shady
To: Taco Jenkins
Re: Sad Trip...Urgent Help Needed!
As I explained to you earlier, phone cables were ripped off and the Hotel's Database was compromised which means no phone calls nor credit card payment. Western union is faster and cheaper, all you need is my name and present location as i have provided it for you earlier in my previous mail, I will be waiting to read from you. Here's the info you need at western union location below
Receiver's Name: Slim Shady
State: London SW1X 8HW,
Country:United Kingdom
kindly get back to me with the transfer details once you have it done.
Thanks
Slim
At this point, I decided to test the waters a little bit.
From: Taco Jenkins
To: Slim Shady
Re: Sad Trip...Urgent Help Needed!
Well that is just shitty. You should write them a really bad Yelp review. That will show them!
Hey, I just noticed your email is different...did you get a new one? Man, I need to pay attention more! Ok. I am at the Western Union now.
Sadly, this was to be my last correspondence with Not The Real Slim Shady. Maybe they realized I knew they were full of shit, or maybe the dial-up connection they were using to email me crapped out because a cow chewed up the cables. Or maybe they decided they didn't really want those goats that badly anyway.
Oh well. In the meantime, I should really answer that email from my long-lost relative in Nigeria. Apparently I am related to African royalty. Who knew?
You are hilarious!
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